Mother For Life

First off, let me apologize for not being around the last few days. As I have said before, this time of year is hard on me. I’m missing my grandmother, stepfather, and in two weeks, it will be the anniversary of my grandfathers death. This year I also had to deal with not having my kids with me, as they went to their fathers. Top it off with the man having some serious family issues of his own to deal with, and well Christmas basically sucked.

Having said all that, and dragging you down into my slight depression, let me cheer you up a bit. I learned something about my children that I already hoped for, but now I really know.

Let’s start with my daughter. I admit it, she is very very materialistic. If anyone complains about something being cheap or generic, it’s usually her. This year, she received some very expensive gifts from my ex’s family. But when she came home, she pulled out her favorite gift of everything she had gotten. It was given to her by her fathers nanna, who is getting up there in age and has extreme arthritis. This woman put together  a jewelry box, decorated by hand. She then made my daughter two big bead bracelets, along with a few bangle ones tossed in there. My daughter told me that was so special because it meant nanna thought of her, and she didn’t even care if her name was spelled wrong. Coming from my daughter, that statement is of the highest degree.

Then on to my youngest son, my six year old. I think I haven’t been paying attention to just how good a person he really is. When he came home from my ex’s, he was filled with anger. It wasn’t until this evening I was able to get it out of him and understand. He was upset because his great grandfather was not invited over there for Christmas dinner. His wife(my son’s great grandmother) is living with her daughter now due to her age and illness, and yet they left out her own husband from the family get together. My son  was so sad about Grandpa spending the holiday all by himself,that it was just wrong. It all boils down to respect. I have taught my children that no matter how angry you are, you are to always respect your elders.

All in all, learning these things helped me a bit in getting over the holiday blues. Now hopefully we can all move on and forward. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. Try and remember, it wasn’t about the presents, its about the family.

Whether you are upper class, lower class, wealthy as sin, or poorer than a mouse, family values are really what it boils down to this time of year. I’m having a very hard time this year, I will admit it. Since my family has become so split up, the holidays are always hard, but I’ve always had my kids to get me through. This year it changes a bit, as the ex husband gets them from Christmas Eve Day, all the way through Friday. The kids and I will be celebrating Christmas Eve morning, as I can’t see doing it two days after Christmas.

I was raised by my grandmother, and holidays were always a big deal. It was never about the presents with her. It meant no matter where you were, you came to her house for the holidays. Relatives drove for six hours to spend days camped out all over the house. Ever since she became ill, and has since passed away, there hasn’t been one holiday we get together.  No more big meals with the guys watching television and helping the kids put together toys, while the women and young girls were in the kitchen cooking. No more loud arguments over who gets the last piece of pie. No more uncles drinking so much they pass out and snore. No more gatherings period.  I miss that so much.

This year, I go without my grandmother(she passed away four years ago), my step father who I adored passed away last year, my kids won’t be here, my boyfriend cannot be here, although I know he will do the best he can. Of course the rest of my family won’t either.  So yeah, I’m in a bit of a poor poor me mood. Trying my best to get out of it, but it’s really kicking my arse this year. I haven’t been alone at Christmas since…well, never. I don’t think I’m going to like this one bit.

It’s partially my own fault, I know this. It’s just something I need to get through. I just wanted to share my little situation with those of you who complain about the hours cooking, the messy families, the arguments, and every thing else. Please don’t complain this year. Do your damn best to make it a wonderful time. Appreciate your family, it really is true that you never know what you got until it’s gone. I knew what I had even at a young age, and that makes it even harder to be alone this year.

Yesterday was my youngest son’s Christmas concert. It was one of the best concerts the kids have had yet. Not because they sang better, not because it was more organized, oh no. This one was short, sweet, and to the point. It was great. The kids never had a chance to become restless and start running around like crazy.

This year, the elementary decided from now on, the Christmas concert will be done only by grades K-2, while the spring concert will be done by grades 3-5. In other words, split them up and have less down time by the kids. Each class sang two songs, and then at the end, they all sang one song together.  My son sang to his little hearts content. He was smiling, and never once looked off bored to tears. Bravo to the singers and the music department for making a smart move. So a concert that normally lasts almost 2 hours was cut down to under an hour, the best kind yet!

There was one bad spot to the night however. I was smart and left everything at home except my wallet, camera, and keys. I even left my cell phone on my desk(I didn’t want it ringing in the concert, and there was no point in bringing it). When I got home, apparently my ex had called not only the home phone, but my cell as well. I called him back, but no answer.

After talking with the kids, it turns out dad was going to come to the concert, I can only assume the phone call was trying to find out more information or location. Problem is, I gave him a list at the beginning of the year, and he could have called the school during the day to find out. More than likely this is going to lead to another fight about me supposedly hiding information from him. Well, not my problem. He has the same numbers I do, use them. It’s not up to me to let him know every little thing going on, he’s known for weeks the kid had a concert coming up, he just had them last weekend and not once asked me about it.

Ahh, the joys of shared parenting, a concept great on paper, and impossible to apply by only one parent.

I am the master of procrastination, it’s a well known fact among those that know me. So today being one of my last days off till Christmas meant I had to get out and buy those presents. Let me tell you, I had all three of my kids wish lists with me, and I knew what I wanted for my boyfriend and my other friend in California. Not only did I get most of what I wanted, but I also got some great deals.

The place for toys for the boys was Target all the way. They had most of the little action figures, Lego’s, Transformers, and cars that were wanted. They also had some great sales going on, and I was able to walk out with 10 toys, 2 board games, one huge makeup kit for $125.00!! You cannot beat that.

I headed to Walmart next looking for a detective kit for my daughter. She wants one kind of like the one Nancy Drew uses. Ha! Good luck with that one. There is not one detective kit out there. There were spy kits, but not a one of them was close to what she wants. Not only that but Walmart was serious low on toys. They didn’t have the ones they advertised, and I had just checked this morning. I was able to get a few things she wanted, but there didn’t seem to be much else interesting.

Then it was on to Toys R Us, the second most dreaded place for me to be. I cannot stand that store. I hate the high prices, the small tiny aisles, the four out of 15 registers open, the noise, oh I could go on forever. I complain, but I do have to give them credit, they had the other kit my daughter wanted, and that was a microscope kit for older kids. *Happy dance* time. Looks like the detective kit will have to wait until her birthday though, no luck there either.

One more stop, and that was the absolute, all time evil, gosh almighty hell: THE MALL. Simply pulling in the parking lot there makes me angry. It’s like all the happiness leaks out when you get there. I won’t say where I went there, as my boyfriend most likely will read this, and I am NOT spilling the beans this time about what I bought. Lets just say I found a few cool items that I hadn’t thought to buy, and did anyways.

All in all, it wasn’t too bad of a day, and I managed to buy all of that for under $300.00, damn I’m good. Now all I have to do is get the little stocking stuffers, something I love to do. Finding neat little things that fit in there make me chuckle.

I have only been on the Internet now for almost two years. One of my very first newb mistakes was pointed out to me within 30 minutes in a chat room. My old Yahoo messenger was showing my first and last name. Luckily, I was taken under the wing and told how to change all that.

Every site I belong to, not a one of them has my real name, other than the initial sign up if I have to. So yes, shocking I know, but my name really isn’t Nipsy. Point being, I understand the dangers of hiding my real name, I don’t give out my city, zip code, or any information bad people could use to find me. When I do give out some of that information, I mix it up. Make it harder for any stalker type person to find me.

It’s unfortunate tweens and teenagers don’t have the same sense of self protection. I belong to MySpace, and Yearbook, both of which many underage persons have accounts with. On both sites, my page is marked as private, and anyone requesting my friendship gets “checked out” first. I deny all requests under age 25. But I ramble here. Let me get to my point.

Parents: CHECK YOUR CHILDS PAGES!! I don’t want to know your child’s age, full name, location(for many they list city and state), school they attend, and extracurricular activities. They might as well put a sign up saying “here I am Mr. Kidnapper, come get me”!

Has no one taught these kids to hide their identity? No, of course not. They think its cool to have these pages. I’ll give some credit, they have their page as private, yet it still shows their names and cities. That’s all the info a possible kidnapper needs.

For the ones who don’t have them set to private, not only do they give away information, then they post pictures that are so beyond their ages it sickens me. I want to yell at these tweens and teens to take those down now. I report every damn one of them that has a pic even hinting at sexuality.They don’t even realize they are opening themselves up to every pedophile, stalker and possible kidnapper out there.

I want to know one more thing: WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? How can you not know what your child is doing online? Sure, they can access the computer from the library, but they can’t download pictures from there, these are taken at home many of them. In other words, right under your noses. Get involved here dammit, be the adult. I’ve said it before, my children have no privacy. You want privacy, turn 18, get a job, and get out of the house. Until then, my roof, my rules.

I wish every parent was like me, no website memberships until you are 18. No pics of my children running around the Internet for every joe shmoe to see. If you feel your child must absolutely have that Yearbook and MySpace page because Jenny down the road does, set it up right. Make your child up a nickname, hide her city, and make sure you have all passwords, and can check the site at ANY TIME to make sure whoever is hitting their page isn’t leaving adult material behind. Check the pictures your child puts up. Do you really want a 50 year old man looking at your little girl in her tank top and underwear? Or a 35 year old woman hitting on your son because he’s showing off his mini six pack?

In other words: Get a clue. I don’t want to read about your child on my next milk carton. And if I do, and the words “She met someone on MySpace” are involved, I will stop reading. You only have yourself to blame for taking no actions.

Now excuse me, it’s time to wake up my non-Internet allowed children for school. That’s a dangerous enough place for them for now.

 I remember when I was in school, elementary school mind you, there was always one or two bullies. They were usually the biggest kids in class, and what they said went. Everyone was in awe of the bullies, of their power, and you never ratted a bully out. Of course back then, a bully might shove you down, give out wedgies, or take your lunch money. The new and unimproved bully of today can be much more dangerous.

My middle son ran into one of these bullies this past summer. This kid started out harassing my son and his friend by following them around town, calling them names and making fun of them. My son followed my advice, and every time the kid would say something, in the most bland voice he could my son would say “and”? I had told my son part of a bully’s rush was the power he had to get a rise out of you. If you handle it as if it’s no big deal, no matter what he says, eventually he moves on.

However this bully decided to try new tactics. As he went on to the shoving of both my son and his friend, he also pulled a four inch pocket knife out and threatened to stab my son. Of course both boys knew at that point to run home immediately to me.

Now again, this is where old school bullies differ from today’s bullies. Back then, you didn’t go to a bully’s parent unless you absolutely had to. Today, if you don’t go to a parent, things go out of control. Of course the first thing I did was go to this boys house. It unfortunately did me no good to talk to his parents. Mom is out of the picture, and dad was worse then the son. I ended up having to call the police and getting a restraining order against this boy. Luckily, he was taken out of the home at summers end, and won’t be back.

It’s just as bad up in the middle school where my daughter is. I cringe when I hear her talking about what other students have done. She is my follower child, so she is also the one I need to constantly remind her how it would feel if she were the one picked on.  These girls can be nasty little cretins. I have heard them talking, I’ve even caught them and jumped in a few times.

With all the picking on that goes on during and after school hours, it’s no wonder I won’t allow my children to have emails or any other site membership. I let my daughter have an email for school, until my boyfriend caught what was being said by these girls. The language, the adult material being passed back and forth. Including the plans of who was going to be their “victim” the next day.

Again, I suppose my strict parenting comes into play here. In my house, you have no privacy. I won’t go snooping unless given reason, but I will do it. I will also be the parent that not only steps in when I hear something, but I will drag other parents into it as well. Sadly, I have only met a handful of parents like me in my town. Most use the phrase “kids will be kids”.  Maybe back when we were kids that was true, now however, it should be rephrased “kids will be adults”.

You can either hide your head, or you can pay attention. Whether its your child being picked on, or your child is the bully, either way you should know. Watch who your child hangs out with, get to know the other parents if possible.  As for the Internet, if you know me, you know I am 100% against websites for kids such as Myspace, Yearbook, and Facebook.  If you disagree with me, stay tuned for tomorrows post as I show you just a few of the dangers. It’s a doozy.

Have you ever had the kind of day when it seems all you hear is “Mom can I”, “I want”, “I need”? Sometimes it’s enough to drive you insane. The kids all want something, need something right then, cannot wait the five minutes it takes you to go to the bathroom. I have a cure all for that. For the constant asking, even after you have said “wait a minute”.

I pick the child who asked me once, and then waited. That’s right, I ignore the ones who peppered me with the whining, and their begging. I don’t do well with that kind of thing.  The child who sat quietly, or even semi quietly and didn’t repeat the request over and over is the one who gets my attention at that moment.

I do the same with my animals. When I have the cat meowing and the bird chirping like crazy, whichever one quiets down when told, is the one I get to first. With the kids gone for the weekend, my animals have taken to doing the same things they have.  Right now, because my conure quieted down, she is the one sitting on my shoulder, getting the attention.

It’s simply a matter of common courtesy. Another lesson to teach your children. Politeness will eventually get them everywhere. Rudeness will not. Sometimes it works, other days it feels as if no one is listening. However, if we hammer and hammer this advice in, at some point, they will all understand, and if not, well they will be waiting for that extra snack a long long time.

As it’s that time of year again, shoppers are out in even larger groups than usual.  The one constant you see is mothers(and fathers) out shopping with the kids. As not only a worker in the retail business, but a mother as well, here are a few tips on how not to get kicked out of a store. And yes, we still do this.

STROLLER TIME

Rule of thumb, if your child is under 3 years old, you will be in the store for longer then 5 minutes, and or trying any clothing on, then you need to have your child in a stroller.

YOU BREAK IT YOU BOUGHT IT

It’s basic rules here, if your child breaks something in my store, you must pay for it. I actually heard a customer refuse once when her young wild son broke a lamp in a store. She had the gall to tell the owner that stores figure in broken items in their budgets! He told her yes, and then that passes on to customers when they have to raise their prices. Its the same as with shoplifters, the more who steal, the higher prices go.

I AM NOT YOUR GARBAGE CAN

When a store posts signs that say “no food or drink” they tend to mean it. Not only do I get customers who ask me to throw away their garbage(instead of doing it themselves outside), we get customers who spill food and drinks on our clothes. That then becomes a mark down item, we lose money, and raise the price back to you.

KEEP THE KIDS AT HOME

If you are going into a store for a whole new wardrobe, keep the poor kids at home. Its not fair to you, them, or me as they terrorize my store and other customers because they got bored due to mommy taking over an hour.

I AM NOT YOUR BABYSITTER

This is one of the most obnoxious things I have seen parents do. They come into a store with their baby in a carrier, and set it down by the counter, and then walk away to look at clothes!!! It happens at least once a week. How dare you assume I will stand here and watch your child, I am not a relative, a friend, or a paid sitter. I have a job to do here, and its not that. I have taken to telling customers, please don’t set your child down here.

WATCH YOUR CHILD

Seriously, having your three children chase each other around the store, bumping into customers, and displays is the fastest way to be asked politely to leave. If they cannot behave, it might be time for you to recheck your teaching of discipline time.

NO ANIMALS

Just because little Susie wants to bring her cute new kitten in with her, and cries and cries, does not mean its okay. Many retail stores do not have an animal license unless its a guide dog. In other words, I can get in trouble if a health worker walks in while Susie is playing her kitten. Keep the animals at home where they belong.

AGAIN…WATCH YOUR CHILDREN

I strongly feel this needs to be brought up again. There are three exits out of my store. There are two bathrooms. There is over $10,000 worth of computer equipment. I have glass displays all over the store. There are seven body length mirrors. Are you getting the picture yet?  Your child could very well get hurt in my store, and yes I would feel bad for him or her, but it would be YOUR fault, not mine.

SPECIALTY STORES

Until your children have been proven good shoppers, in other words over the age of five and able to behave, keep them out of specialty stores such as lightening, candle shops, glass-wares,  or any store where over 80% of the product is fragile.  Even little ones in a stroller are a no no in these types of stores, those little hands can reach far.

Now, I am sure there are many mothers who will hate this post. They will complain about places not being kid friendly. Well, I am a mother, with three children, and yes mine misbehaved at times. But I am the type, I will walk out of a store, rather than make everyone else suffer with me. It’s called common courtesy, and it’s time we got back to it.

As parents, you have felt it yourself: the parental guilt factor. For example, this morning, I was so overly exhausted, I literally laid back down, and just fell right back asleep. I remember the kids muttering at me at one point about bye mom, love you. Other than that, I don’t recall anything until I woke back up an hour later. My guilt factor hits that I didn’t kiss them goodbye, I didn’t check to make sure they were bundled(even though I know the older two check also). My only excuse is that after dealing with two kids, plus myself with the flu over the weekend, the sleep monster finally hit me at 3 am, and it didn’t want to let me go.

Now, we as parents feel guilty for any amount of things we do to our children. A raised voice, a missed sports game, working moms feel it. It’s all on how we deal with it that really matters. The parental guilt factor can be an important part of our lives. It can sometimes move us to allow our children to get the better of us.

Example: I felt so guilty after my divorce and subsequent loss of our home, that when I finally got a home again, I let the kids run wild. It took me almost three months, and one truth talk with my boyfriend before I realized what I was doing. It took another three months to get the kids back on a schedule and back in the behavior I expected.

Some parents take that parental guilt factor to the extreme and never let go. I know a mother who smoked while she was pregnant. Not every day, but perhaps once a week. She had been a full smoker before pregnancy. But when her son was born, he was premature, tiny, and struggling. Luckily, he pulled through perfectly fine and is now a wild, undisciplined, ill mannered 8 year old. When you ask my friend why she lets him get away with it, she reminds you of how she almost killed him at birth with her unhealthy habits. I like to remind her of how I might kill him if he kicks my child one more time.

It’s okay to feel guilty about something you have done or said as a parent. Honest. It’s all part of parenthood. After, its up to you to realize it, change your ways, and move on. Dwelling on it, or letting it control your lives does nothing but create a child who knows they can run right over their parent. It then becomes, well if I can run over them, why not others too.

So feel that guilt with me. Breathe it in. Figure out your next move, and lets have a happier day together. Simply because I slept in this morning, does not mean my kids get to stay up past bedtime tonight, or get to skip homework either.

I was going to write this post on my nipplelicious blog, but the more I thought about it, the more I decided it belonged on my parenting blog. Because it does concern parents, and their children. I was surfing the net, using my favorite thing, Google, and I stumbled upon a comment about a pro Anna site. I had no clue what that was, and being the nosy cat I am, I had to check it out.

I was shocked, disgusted, angry, and ready to do some physical damage to the creator of that website. This was a place where everyone from young girls to older woman were posting the pros to being anorexic!  It is supposed to be from age 16 and up only, but from the looks of it, there were plenty of girls under that age. They had tips on how to hide what you don’t eat, what “foods” such as gum and crackers, had the least amount of calories. There was talk from women who complained about being 5ft 6 and weighing in at 130 lbs. Girls who wrote in and asked for help on staying thin and “beautiful” were being mentored by older anorexic women.

They had pictures up of celebrity women who are anorexic, and these were their heroes! Oh, just siting here writing this and I am still fuming. There was advice from the more experienced on how to hide the website on their computer so the teens parents wouldn’t see it. The teenage girls were even shown how to make fake profiles so they couldn’t be found out. Not one woman posted a bad thing about being pro Anna, in fact they often ridiculed women who were not  and any post made going against their ideas was deleted.

I clicked on partner links in that forum and was led to other pro Anna sites. Every one of them had the same theme. Not only were they bragging about making it through the day with only a few pieces of food and water, but there were girls on there who talked about the “purging” they did after a slide back into eating. Of course, with older women telling them congratulations on getting back on the track to becoming thin. Many of the profiles had weight calculators, and I have to tell you, none of these teens were overweight. Not a damn one.

I have no problem with teens losing weight and staying healthy. I was the chunky girl in junior high, and that summer, I worked out, fixed what I ate, and came back 50 pounds lighter, and kept it off. I did it the right way.  The women on this site should be telling these girls, and other women, the same advice. There should be no talk of fiber use so you “do number two and clear out the calories.”

As the mother of a young tween, if I ever found out another mother was telling my daughter she is fat, and gave her advice on how to do her body harm, I would hunt that woman down and beat the ever living crap out of her. I read girls writing in with the side effects they had from being anorexic and wondering if those were normal. Only one woman wrote advice that it was time for them to cut back their food counting. All the rest were saying its quite normal, and gave tips on how to hide the harm it was doing their young bodies.

I wish there was a way I could out these girls to their mothers. To let them see how badly their daughters were hurting. The medical problems associated with being anorexic far outweigh the supposed good results posted on these websites. You have the loss of muscle control, the bone density loss, the loss of hair, kidney failure, to name only a few of the medical problems. Of course then you have the mental issues when a teenager feels she hasn’t followed her strict regime, and a woman on the site agrees with her. The mental thought that unless your pelvic bones and ribcage are showing, you aren’t on the “beautiful” side of life.

Maybe if someone told these girls that thin isn’t in, being a woman with curves is.